The Boy-Who-Lived (to be a thief)
by Jetainia
Summary: Wizarding Britain is in uproar. A thief goes about stealing items and leaving a message. The Daily Prophet is keeping everyone up to date on the latest heist.


**Written for The Houses Competition**

 **Head of House Hufflepuff**

 **Category: Additional**

 **Prompt: [Genre] Humour**

 **Word count: 1,874**

 **Beta: Aya Diefair**

* * *

 _Enjoy your breathing_.

Three words always left behind at various crime scenes of recent theft. Pure-bloods, half-bloods and Muggle-borns alike were victims of the thief. They stole artefacts and paintings. Never money or items holding sentimental value, only things that were extremely valuable or dangerous.

The DMLE was working furiously to find the person responsible for the thefts but so far had had no luck. Rita Skeeter and _The Daily Prophet_ were having a grand time publishing each new theft after it happened. The message was pondered over by the entire British wizarding community. By most, it was considered a threat.

 _I took your things, not your life. Be grateful._

* * *

"They're scared of you."

"And yet, they praise me." Harry grinned at Luna as he placed a cup of tea in front of her.

Luna placed _The Daily Prophet_ down and wrapped her hands around the mug. "They know only one side of you, they ignore the other. They see what they want to see and fear that which they do not know."

"Well, they can keep doing that. I'll see you tonight, Luna. I have to get to work now."

"Don't let the thief wear you down!"

Harry laughed, waving as he left Grimmauld Place, "He's the only thing keeping me going! You know that."

Luna hummed thoughtfully before picking up _The Daily Prophet_ once more and resuming her perusal. Occasionally her quill would circle an article for Harry to look at later after he had returned from being the Boy-Who-Lived, Auror Extraordinaire.

* * *

"The Zabini family is demanding we locate their missing Arthurian vase. It's been in their family for generations, Blaise Zabini is quite eager to see it returned."

"But where do we start, Harry? We've never even gotten _close_ to figuring out who this guy is or where he puts the stuff after he steals it."

"We'll just have to continue to take it one step at a time." Harry barely held in a smirk as he worked with the task force assigned to catching the now infamous art thief known as _The Silent Snake_ thanks to _The Daily Prophet._ The rush of giddiness he got when standing in this room working to catch himself was one of the things that kept him going, just as he had told Luna that very morning.

All the expectations that the wizarding world put on him after the war had made him feel like he was drowning. Luna had come to him at the perfect time and given him a life preserver. He went to the homes of those that demanded the Boy-Who-Lived and gave them _The Silent Snake_.

Harry told them to enjoy their breathing. They had hidden behind a seventeen-year-old boy as Voldemort waged war on wizarding Britain. They had done nothing but sit, wait, and breathe as Harry fought the Dark Lord they all feared. They'd _better_ enjoy the breathing that Harry had helped them continue doing by somehow managing to defeat Voldemort.

* * *

The silence from outside his office caught Harry's attention immediately. The Aurors in his taskforce where no longer chatting about their weekends or throwing out wild theories of who _The Silent Snake_ was. A glance told him all he needed to know and he determinedly ignored the man who was just as determinedly making his way to Harry's office.

"Potter," Blaise greeted as he opened the door and let himself in.

"Zabini," Harry returned.

"I was wondering if you'd heard anything about my vase yet. It is a rather important piece to my family and we would like it back as soon as possible."

"I'm sure you would, Zabini. Just as the Smiths would like their _Complete History of the Fat Friar of Hufflepuff_ back, or how the Patils would be ecstatic to have their _Three Brothers facing Death_ painting returned, and I'm sure Lavender Brown would love to see Cassandra Trelawny's tea set once more.

"You are not the only one that has been a target of this thief, Zabini, and I'm sure you won't be the last. They leave behind no evidence, no trace. We have been working on this case for _months_ and have nothing to show for it. So, when we find your vase and the Smith's book and the Patil's painting and Lavender's tea set, we'll let you know. For now, I'll thank you to leave my office so that I can actually focus on doing just that."

"Just find my vase, Potter." Harry merely waved an absent hand, already back to his paperwork. Blaise huffed slightly at being dismissed so casually but left the office and very deliberately strolled out of the Auror department as he tried not to storm. He would be back, and he _would_ have his vase returned.

A few nights later, the Zabini family lost another heirloom. Blaise Zabini came downstairs and let his cup of steaming hot coffee fall out of his hands to smash on the polished floor as he stared at the scrawled words on the wall where before there had been a landscape painting showing a rainforest.

 _Enjoy your breathing and quit whining_.

* * *

"You added," Luna accused when she saw _The Daily Prophet_.

Harry merely shrugged. "He was annoying me. Kept 'dropping by' the offices to check up on our progress. Plus, it was a pretty painting and you wouldn't let me take it last time."

"I couldn't let you spend too long figuring out what you wanted to take while Blaise was making a nuisance of himself, now could I?"

Harry stared at her before laughing and tipping his cup of tea in Luna's direction. "How right you are, my dear partner in crime."

"Terry Boot tried to get me sent to Saint Mungo's yesterday," Luna said, seemingly promoting a change of subject.

"Anything catch your eye?" The cup in Harry's hands was in serious danger of breaking with how hard his fists clenched at the news.

"He does have this _wonderful_ original version of Nicholas Flamel's research."

"You'll have it by the end of the week."

* * *

"Potter!"

Harry Potter recognised the voice immediately and abandoned his paperwork as Head Auror Eliza Fenwick entered his office. "What can I do for you, Eliza?"

"You can bloody well find this thief, that's what you can do! I've just had to deal with Terry Boot coming into my office and _demanding_ that I find whoever stole his original copy of Nicholas Flamel's research!" Eliza was pacing back and forth around Harry's office, arms wildly flailing about as she yelled.

"The Zabini's have been hit _twice_ and Blaise Zabini is starting to make threats to bring up our failure to find this thief as incompetence at the next Wizengamot meeting. I have Lavender Brown coming into my office every week asking if we've seen her tea set yet and that when we do, she's more than happy to search for the other stolen items in the tea leaves."

Eliza collapsed on the chair opposite Harry in front of his desk. In a much quieter tone, she pleaded, "Tell me you have something on this thief."

 _He's short, has black hair, green eyes, is sick of being called and forced to act like the Saviour of the wizarding world and his name is Harry Potter. Oh, he's also sitting right in front of you and is in charge of finding and arresting himself._ The thought flitted through Harry's mind and he was rather tempted to say it out loud. Instead, he merely smiled apologetically and said, "We are no closer to figuring out who this guy is or where they stash their haul then we were when they first started."

"I knew you would say that," Eliza groaned.

Harry passed her the cup of tea that had appeared via House Elf on his desk. "Drink, you'll feel better."

* * *

"You're certain?"

"Of course."

Harry nodded to himself, took a stabilising breath and then opened the door. Neville Longbottom stood on the front step of Number 12 Grimmauld Place, completely unaware of the world he was about to be dragged into. "Hey Harry, Luna."

Harry grinned at Neville and ushered him in. "Hey, Nev. Glad you could make it."

"Hello Neville," Luna greeted, turning around and starting to lead the way. The two boys followed her, one slightly confused and the other slightly nervous.

They made their way through the familiar halls of the old Black house, completely refurbished and unlike the drab house the Order of the Phoenix had known. The cleaning had revealed many secrets to Harry and Luna, one of which was their current destination.

On the third floor, to the left of the landing, was a painting of a library. Luna stepped up to it and tapped her wand on each of the four corners before sweeping her wand in a diagonal line across the canvas. The painting slowly merged into the wall and revealed a door.

The three of them entered and the door vanished behind them. Neville's jaw dropped as he looked around. The room they were now standing in was the same library on the painting but it held so much more. On various pedestals dotted around the room and on the bookshelves were items that anyone would recognise thanks to the attention _The Daily Prophet_ had been giving them.

"Welcome to the Den of Silence, Neville," Harry grinned.

Neville turned his dumbfounded gaze onto his friend, " _You_?"

"Me."

"You have _got_ to teach me how you do it. Romilda has some fireblossom and I know it's dying in her care. It's a really rare plant so we can't afford to lose any and I know that I could look after it properly and make it grow and… Why are you grinning like that?"

"Why do you think we invited you here, Neville?" Luna asked.

"We figure it's time _The Silent Snake_ broadens their horizons and what better way to confuse the masses than by starting to take some plants? If you want to join us, we're offering."

Neville stared at the two of them and then around the room filled with items the wizarding world was so desperately trying to find. He couldn't help the upwards tilt of his lips as he realised that as long as Harry Potter remained the Auror in charge of the task force dedicated to finding the thief, the thief would never be found due to the fact he was hunting himself.

"I'm in," he stated, and then added, "But we can get the fireblossom right? Because that plant is dying in Romilda's hands."

Harry looked at Luna and Luna looked at Harry. "Looks like the greenhouse will get to do some work after all."

"Aren't you glad that I told you to add it to the House's secrets?"

Harry chuckled but nodded in agreement. "Come on, Neville, I'll show you the set up we have while Luna starts figuring out the wards Romilda has."

Neville followed Harry through another painting depicting a greenhouse full of plants, leaving Luna to drink some tea out of Cassandra Trelawny's tea set. _The Daily Prophet_ was wrong when it named the thief _The Silent Snake_. It wasn't one person behind the thefts, but two. And now, there were three of them.


End file.
